Happy Days

It’s one and a half weeks to the school holidays and I can’t wait.  Nothing has changed from the time I was a kid and school dragged time out torturously until the holidays started.  Other mothers have looked at me askance for my predilection for the holidays to start.  “What…you want them hanging around bugging you that they’re bored, wanting you to amuse them and eating you out of house and home?” they say to me in a number of different ways.  “Ahyup!” I say to them.  “Why?” they ask me, “Why?  Why?  Why?”

I’ll tell you why:

1.  Routine completely breaks down.  No waking at 6am, or getting out of bed at that hour whether one is awake or not.

2.  We can have semi-legitimate pajama days, and if anyone comes around and surprises us all at home in our jarmies, we can say “We have one pajama day every school holidays,” and they never need to know that it is the third one we’ve had.  In a row.

3.  We have food experiments whenever it takes the mood.  “Mum can we try grilling Nutella and sesame seeds on celery sticks for morning tea?”…..”Ahyup!”

4.  There aren’t any (many) fights because I have a path to the clothes line that I need dug out, and if you have the energy to fight, then you have the energy to dig out Mama’s path.  They don’t get bored for the same reason.  I can’t wait till that path is finished!

5.  I have an excuse not to worry about the housework because I can always roll my eyes to the visitors and say “Can you believe how messy the house gets when the kids are home from school?” and they say “Yes,” politely, which really just feeds my justification.

6.  The kids are now totally into what they call the ‘old classic’ movies that I love.  I’m talking ‘Star Wars’, ‘Empire Strikes Back’, ‘Return of the Jedi’, anything with Harrison Ford, submarines or special effects etc etc.  Yeah, I know – old classics?  How rude.

7.  Having them out of school for two weeks, we get to break the nit cycle.  Oh, come on…I know it’s distasteful, but it is a reality.  It can’t be only me, can it?  Can it?  Bugger.

8.  I can have Nana-naps.

9.   Under the guise of supervising something fun for the kids we can roast many bags of marshmallows inside in front of the slow combustion fire.  “Kids!  Where are you, it’s time to roast marshmallows……whaddya mean you’re over it?!  You guys have no staying power, toss me that bag and I’ll show you how it’s done…Kids?  Kids?”

10.  Who doesn’t feel better after 14 mental health days in a row?  I like not having to argue over homework and assignments…it means I can just enjoy my kids as people….before they grow up, get wise to public transport and discover ways to escape my tormenting clutches.

I’m going to have to start thinking about how to drive them nuts now, or my path may never get finished!

 

 

Mornings with kids

 

My favorite brother-in-law, Ron, (OK, my only brother-in-law) was chatting with me the other day as he folded clean laundry off the sofa.  He was bemoaning the fact that the ONE thing that I am really, really obsessive compulsive about had not been included in my sister’s DNA.  I am fanatical about my washing (when I do it)…it must be washed in a certain way (so that I know the tissues have been taken out of everyone’s pockets), it must be hung in a certain way (because I don’t iron), it must be hung in a certain order (so it can be folded and put in people’s rooms without me traipsing back and forward through the house), and it must be folded as it is taken off the line (read above about my not-ironing policy).  See, he thinks this is fabulous and very efficient – in reality it is the bad housewife’s way of keeping everyone who cares in clean, if crushed, clothes.

Anyhoo, my brother-in-law Ron wanted to know why his wife couldn’t AT LEAST get a load of washing on the line before she took the kids to school…after all, all she had to do was make sure they finished the breakfast he started them on, get them dressed and get their lunches into their bags.  They have a child in Grade 1, a child in Kindergarten and a 2 year old.

“HAH!!” may have been my reaction…I hope I wasn’t that rude.  I hope I just raised an eyebrow, but I’m pretty sure I said “HAH!”.  That sounds like something I would do.

“Favorite brother-in-law Ron,” I said “Let me tell you about the mornings before school with two little kids and a toddler; it goes a little something like this:

“Sam, come back in here and finish your toast. It doesn’t matter if you’re not hungry, you need to eat food so you can listen properly at school.  Yes, you are going to school, I’m pretty sure if you can drag your little brother up and down the hall by his feet then you don’t have a tummy ache.  Eat your toast.  Ruby, get dressed.  Your clothes are on the end of your bed.  Yes, they are.  Yes, they are.  YES they ARE.  If I need to come in there and find them for…..Good girl!  Henry, do you have a stinky?  I think you do, let me look. Ewwww.  OK Ruby, that doesn’t help.  Sam eat your toast…you weren’t anywhere near him, so you couldn’t possibly be put off your breakfast by his stinky nappy.  Well, yes you were dragging him up and down the hall but…don’t argue with me…you ARE going to school.  If you are not going to eat your toast, you can go and get dressed.  Henry, lie down.  Lie down, Henry.  Don’t move or you….eeeeewwww.  Henry!  Mind your business, you two and GO AND GET DRESSED.  I’m going in to get some clean clothes on, when I come out you two need to be dressed, OK?  Good! 

There…that’s better.  Ruby, you’re dressed…thatta girl.  Now, get your shoes and socks on.  No, you can’t wear Princess shoes, it’s school today.  No, you can’t wear your tap shoes, it’s school today.  No, I’m pretty sure your teacher did not say you could wear the tap shoes and do a show for the class…please get your school shoes on.  Yes, and socks.  SAM!  Get dressed…oh, sorry…well brush your teeth, good boy.  Henry, get out of Mama’s handbag, here have some of Sam’s toast.  Ruby, put both shoes on.  It isn’t lost.  Look under your bed.  No, under your bed.  Did you look under your bed?!!!  Here, LOOK what I found under your bed….yes, I’m certain that I said UNDER the bed.  Yes, I did.  Yes, I did.  Yes, I….I’m not arguing with you.  Sam, why are you crying?  I gave Henry your toast because you didn’t want it.  No, you didn’t.  You did NOT want it, because if you did you would be eating it RIGHT NOW!  ENOUGH…both of you in there and BRUSH YOUR TEETH…NOT ANOTHER WORD!!  I can hear you!!!  Henry, come here so I can blow your nose.  OK, ohhhhh Sam…you have toothpaste down your front, go and get your other school jumper, quick.  It’s in your drawer.  The top drawer.  The very top drawer.  Well, look in the other top drawer. Yes, it is.  Ruby can you get your backpack, so I can put your lunch in it?  Well, where are you supposed to put it when you get home?  It should be there, if that’s where you put it last.  Henry, stay still. Crikey child, your whole brain is running out your nose.  Blow, Sweetie.  Blow.  Like this.  Blow…good boy.  Sam!  That jumper is filthy!  You can’t wear it.  You do need to wear a jumper, it’s Winter.  It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel cold now, you will feel cold later.  You will.  You will.  Get the other jumper.  The one with the toothpaste.  I’ll clean it up with a wash cloth.  It’ll be OK.  The teacher won’t mind.  No-one will notice.  It WILL BE FINE!!!  I just know, because I’m a mum and mums know!  You’ve got your backpacks, YAY!  Here’s your lunch.  It’s Vegemite.  You do like Vegemite.  Of course you do.  You do.  Well, I don’t have time to make anything else.  No, you’re not having a lunch order.  Because you DO like Vegemite sandwiches.  You cried yesterday because you wanted Vegemite and I gave you honey, that’s why I gave you Vegemite today.  Well, you can’t have honey.  You know what, you will forget all about this by lunchtime and you will be so hungry, they will taste delicious.  Because I’m a mum and mums….don’t you be rude to me young man!  Are you ready?  Ruby, are you ready?  I don’t know where your Reader is…where did you put it?  I didn’t touch it…you read it, and then I signed it…OK I DID touch it but then I gave it back to you..you’re splitting hairs…splitting hairs means…we don’t have time we ARE LATE…Come on!  Let’s go.  Where’s my keys?  Where’s my keys?  Henry, where’s Mama’s keys?  The keys, Sweetie, for the car.  Want to go in the car?  Well, where did you put Mama’s car keys?  Oh, man – you stink!!! Again???  What have you eaten!!”

Do I need to tell you that my favorite-brother-in-law Ron, begged me to stop about thirty seconds into this story?  I like him because he learns fast.

Bad Mother Story #96

Did I ever tell you about the time last week when in the middle of a busy supermarket aisle, with children bugging me while I was trying to choose cereal for Pete’s Sake I finally lost the plot and told them in a very, very loud voice to ‘RACK OFF!’  Only, I was thinking another thing entirely, so it came out ’RUCK OFF!’ and it came out just as the overhead Muzac stopped and everything was quiet.  Including my children.  You could hear crickets.  Just like that I turned into a possible person of interest to Child Welfare.  And in the awkward silence my daughter said to me ‘Please Mum, I just want to go and wash the blood off my face,’ which then flagged me for a Child Welfare phone call, at the very least.  And you try saying ‘Oh Sweetie, did the blood from the nosebleed you got from picking your nose in the backseat of the car, far away from me, get your face all mucky, I’ve been so busy shopping, I hadn’t noticed and here’s a crumpled tissue and, whoops, a tamponthat might help, here, let me be motherly and spit on it for you and we’ll get you all cleaned up, hehe,’ you try saying that in a cool, casual way, like you know you’re children aren’t going to be snatched off you the minute you step into the carpark!